Domestication

Gilgamesh - Straight, cis, square military man. About 45 years old. Has a temper but tries to manage it. Conservative.

Enkidu - Queer to all hell. Around 40 years old. Trans or intersex. Bubbly, dirty anarchist.

Wife - Picture-perfect housewife. Never crossed her husband, Gilgamesh. Straight, cis, eternally dolled-up. Around 35-40 years old. Likes to do puzzles and bake. Is secretly the most intelligent character.

SET: A finely decorated living room and kitchen. The aesthetic is somewhat random, faux-art-deco and 50's wealthy Americana vibes. There's a grandfather clock, an uncomfortable looking couch, a heavy kitchen table, pictures on the pristine walls.

SCENE 1

GILGAMESH sits reading a macbook with reading glasses tipped on his nose. He squints. He is wearing a suit and tie, drinking coffee.

There is a knock at the door. GILGAMESH puts down his coffee and glasses, strides purposefully over to the door and opens it. ENKIDU stands in the doorway, long hair tumbling down their back, wearing short shorts and hiking boots, carrying a camping backpack.

ENKIDU: Hey! Good to see ya!

ENKIDU hugs GILGAMESH and walks in.

GILGAMESH: Hello, it's been quite a while. Come in, why don't you.

ENKIDU: Nice place you got here. Really nice.

GILGAMESH: We are a shoes-off household, just so you know...

ENKIDU: Oh! Of course. No problem! As long as you can stand how my feet smell, haha!

ENKIDU laughs as they remove their shoes. GILGAMESH looks disdained.

ENKIDU: So how've you been, cousin? You look like you've been busy!

GILGAMESH: Well, yes I suppose. I've been trying to be productive. It's been... relaxing.

GILGAMESH looks awkward and checks his expensive watch.

GILGAMESH: I don't have much time before I leave for work, my wife will be around to show you your room...

ENKIDU: Your wife? We've been cousins for a long time, I was there at your wedding. Very pretty, very picture-perfect I remember.

GILGAMESH: Of course, I was just being polite.

ENKIDU: "My wife" HA! "Polite!" If you say so. Man I forgot how into this shit you got.

GILGAMESH glares at ENKIDU, then looks ENKIDU up and down and straightens posture.

ENKIDU: Just joking. Always joking. You always took me too seriously. Where's "your wife" now, then?

GILGAMESH: She should be getting ready to go shopping for dinner, I believe.

ENKIDU: Dinner? Don't have food? No worries I'll fix that for ya. I know how to get food around here.

ENKIDU winks at the audience.

GILGAMESH: I appreciate the offer but...

ENKIDU gets close and puts his arms on GILGAMESH's shoulders.

ENKIDU: Now listen. I appreciate this gift you've given me, a place to stay for a few nights. Don't you worry about food while I'm here. I've got this. My gift to you.

GILGAMESH extracts himself from ENKIDU's grip, looks somewhat disgusted but maintains composure.

GILGAMESH: I've got to get to work. It's good to see you. I will be back this evening.

ENKIDU: Bye-bye! Be a little unproductive today, for me! Love ya.

GILGAMESH exits. ENKIDU starts poking around the house, pulling out drawers and looking at pots, knives, documents, pictures, random junk. They stick some random objects into deep pockets.

ENKIDU: (To audience) My fucken cousin. The navy rammed a steel rod up his rectum and he pretends it's not there. What's he now? Some kinda accountant? Fuck me. Seems to get paid by the truckload though...

WIFE enters from stairs.

WIFE: Oh hey! I didn't hear you come in. Welcome!

ENKIDU: Lovely to see you! Looking beautiful as always. I heard you were off to buy food for dinner tonight. Don't worry about that! I have it under control.

WIFE: Oh... you do?

ENKIDU: Yeah! I'll go get started why not? You just stay here and look pretty for when "your husband" gets home, he'll get a real kick outa that.

WIFE: Well I was also going to pick up the dry cleaning and...

ENKIDU: I saw the place on my way in, I'll get your stuff, no-problem-easy-peasy. I'd probably get going then! 'Productive' and all that! See ya, cousin's wife.

ENKIDU exits the front door.

WIFE: (to audience) That rascal. I'd best fix something for dinner or we'll be eating scraps.

WIFE cleans up mess that ENKIDU made, exits.

SCENE 2

WIFE is cooking, wearing hyper-feminine 1950's housewife attire and a white apron, plastered in makeup with extravagant pinned-up hair. She sings to herself lightly.

WIFE: (to audience) I do hope nothing goes wrong tonight. It would be such a shame if those two got into a fight. I'd best keep quiet, try not to start anything. Speak when spoken to, that sort of thing.

The door opens, and GILGAMESH enters wearing a full millitary uniform with shoulder pads and tall boots, which he does not take off. A rifle is slung over his shoulder.

GILGAMESH: Hello, dear.

WIFE: Welcome home honey. How was your day?

GILGAMESH sits at the table and sets the rifle down before him.

GILGAMESH: Oh, you know, the usual. Tedium and responsibility. It would bore you.

WIFE sighs, continues cooking. They sit awkwardly for a moment. GILGAMESH begins cleaning his gun.

GILGAMESH: (to audience) If my cousin does anything WIERD tonight, I might just explode. I've been in war. I've been shot at. I've killed people for God's sake. I defended my country for too many years for that slimy hippie to come into my home and -

WIFE: You seem stressed. What's on your mind?

GILGAMESH: (dry) Ah... nothing much. Tired is all. Thinking about how beautiful you look, and how good your food smells.

WIFE: (empty) Thank you, honey.

ENKIDU enters, bursting through the door. They are wearing little other than a slim tattered vest and a ratty skirt, with an armful of old food that looks like it was pulled out of a dumpster. Dry cleaning is slung over their shoulder.

ENKIDU: Dinner's here!

GILGAMESH: Oh, what in God's name is this? No. I will not have it!

ENKIDU dumps the trash on the ground, ignoring GILGAMESH, and tosses dry cleaning vaguely towards WIFE.

ENKIDU: No need to thank me, you both have been so kind as to let me stay in your home. Dig in!

ENKIDU munches on a potato peel.

GILGAMESH: My wife prepared a lovely meal for us all. What is this garbage? An insult to her, that's what!

ENKIDU: There you go again, "your wife." She's sitting right there and can speak for herself. What's her name again? Do you remember it?

GILGAMESH: I respect women, if that's what you're getting at. And I don't go around being feral in other people's houses.

ENKIDU: Ya know, any other species would have really appreciated what I brought today, but for some reason you feel the need to be rude about it.

GILGAMESH: You want to hang out with wild animals? You can sleep outside!

ENKIDU glares at GILGAMESH, then hisses and exits.

WIFE: Don't you think that was a little harsh, dear?

GILGAMESH: Do you? Look at all the garbage on the floor. Who's going to clean that up?

WIFE: Me, dear.

GILGAMESH sighs, continues to clean gun. WIFE serves food. GILGAMESH barely touches it. After a moment of silence there is an embarrassed knock at the door. GILGAMESH and WIFE exchange a look. GILGAMESH walks over to the door and opens it. ENKIDU stands, head down, sorrowful.

GILGAMESH: Oh, alright. Come on in.

ENKIDU's face lights up and they stride in and begin eating garbage.

ENKIDU: Thanks! It's a lot warmer in here. I appreciate it.

GILGAMESH: Just don't expect us to eat your trash, please.

ENKIDU munches happily. GILGAMESH takes WIFE aside.

GILGAMESH: I don't know how much more of this I can take.

WIFE: You did send the invitation, honey.

GILGAMESH: I thought I'd be able to deal with it. It's been a while since we've seen each other.

WIFE: Just try not to get so angry...

GILGAMESH: Anger is how I function, woman! How do you think I managed to afford this place? To survive the war? To put up with the flea-bitten dog that's currently butt-scooting it's way across our living room?

ENKIDU get's up and starts urinating on the couch, back facing GILGAMESH and WIFE.

GILGAMESH: (to WIFE) Oh that's it. Where's the collar?

WIFE opens a drawer and tosses GILGAMESH a black leather spiked collar and leash. GILGAMESH walks up the ENKIDU as they are peeing and clasps the collar around their neck. They both struggle as GILGAMESH yanks ENKIDU towards the table, forcing them to sit in a chair and wrapping the leash around the chair to tie them. ENKIDU hisses, spits, and claws like a wild animal.

GILGAMESH: (as he is struggling with ENKIDU) I've had enough of your barbarism! Your uncivilized imitations of humanity! You are in MY house, on land that I own, and you will eat the food that MY wife prepared for dinner!

ENKIDU makes a move to grab the gun that's on the table, but GILGAMESH knocks the gun away from them. GILGAMESH shoves ENKIDU's face into a plate of cooked food. WIFE looks shocked, covers mouth with hands, does not intervene.

GILGAMESH: Eat up. That should teach you a thing or two. Had your full yet? Huh? Alright, get up, I'm taking you to your room.

GILGAMESH and ENKIDU struggle towards the stairs. ENKIDU sounds like a strangled animal. GILGAMESH is red-faced and cursing loudly. They both exit.

GILGAMESH enters, dishevelled.

GILGAMESH: (to wife) Well, that's sorted. Come to bed? You can clean in the morning.

GILGAMESH grabs gun, and WIFE follows GILGAMESH to stairs, they exit.

SCENE 3

ENKIDU has escaped the room. They prowl the kitchen and living room, fully naked. They sniff at the mess that was left, chew on a few bits and ends. They spot the audience and walk upstage, then let out a loud bellow and bear their teeth towards the audience. ENKIDU then commences a rampage of the set, tearing apart pillows, banging pots and pans off of their places, smashing things and wreaking general havoc while making a lot of noise.

GILGAMESH enters from the stairs, dressed in pajama bottoms and a "US NAVY" t-shirt. He holds the rifle and quietly takes aim at ENKIDU as they rampage around. GILGAMESH fires, killing ENKIDU, who crumples onto the ground.

GILGAMESH: Honey! It's alright. I've killed it. You can come down.

WIFE enters.

WIFE: Oh dear. Did you have to shoot it? Couldn't you have just let it outside?

GILGAMESH: Well, I feared that if I had crossed the room it might have attacked me. This way was much safer. What else am I supposed to do if a wild animal comes into my home and starts wrecking the place?

WIFE: Well, I suppose...

GILGAMESH: I know a guy who will get rid of the carcass for me. I'll give him a call.

WIFE tiptoes up to the body to get a better look, while GILGAMESH dials a phone number.

GILGAMESH: Hello? It's Miller. Some animal got into my house and I shot it. Affirmative. You can? Perfect. Thank you. See you in approximately 2 hours.

GILGAMESH: (to WIFE) He'll come clean it up in a few hours.

WIFE: I don't like looking at that thing. It smells. Will you get him to clean the blood off the floor as well?

GILGAMESH: I'll try.

WIFE: Thank you honey. I'm going back to bed.

WIFE exits.

GILGAMESH: (to audience) Join the millitary, folks. Best decision I ever made.

THE END

February 2022